


The Anti-Bucket Temperance Club

by tweedymcgee



Series: Poems [7]
Category: Homestuck, Julia Moore -- Works
Genre: Humor, Parody, Poetry, Temperance, Virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-20
Updated: 2012-08-20
Packaged: 2017-11-12 12:18:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tweedymcgee/pseuds/tweedymcgee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some Enterprising People <br/>In Our Cities And Our Hives <br/>Have Forsworn Procreation <br/>And Given O’er Their Lives<br/> For Honor And For Virtue <br/>We Stand Now Bold And Free<br/> So Keep Your Slurry To Yourself<br/> We Will Not Pail With Thee</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Anti-Bucket Temperance Club

**Author's Note:**

> For [urbananchorite](http://archiveofourown.org/users/t_ZM/pseuds/urbanAnchorite), who read [this Homestuck/McGonagall mashup](http://archiveofourown.org/works/487636) and said, "MOAAAAR."
> 
> Here, have a Kanayesque parody of Julia Moore’s poem “[Temperance Reform Clubs](http://homepages.wmich.edu/~cooneys/txt/Moore/Temperance.Reform.html).” If you’re unfamiliar with the Moore ouevre, I highly recommend it. It’s awful. But, like William McGonagall’s stuff, in a good way. She was probably the inspiration behind Mark Twain’s hilarious death-poetry sendup “[An Ode To Stephen Dowling Bots](http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/174686).” And apparently she also [inspired Ogden Nash to become a “great bad poet” instead of a “bad good poet,”](http://www.worldpoetrymovement.com/poets/25291) for which I will forever be grateful. Love that Ogden Nash.

Some Enterprising People   
In Our Cities And Our Hives   
Have Forsworn Procreation   
And Given O’er Their Lives  
For Honor And For Virtue   
We Stand Now Bold And Free  
So Keep Your Slurry To Yourself  
We Will Not Pail With Thee  
  
CHORUS:  
  
    The Anti-Bucket Temperance Club   
    Forever May It Stand  
     And Every Troll Whose Bulge Is Firm  
    Pray Join It Heart And Hand   
    This Doughty Band Won’t Make It Past  
    The Culling Drone Brigade  
    But Carve These Letters On My Tomb   
    ‘At Least She Died A Maid’  
  
I Shall Stand Tall For Chastity  
Whatever Costs Accrue  
Though The Forfeit Be My Life  
I’ve Better Things To Do  
With The Precious DNA  
Of Which New Souls Are Made  
Than Spend It In Receptacles  
Emblazoned “Rubbermaid”  
  
CHORUS  
  
I Once Was Tempted By A Troll  
As Deadly As A Gun  
I Gazed Upon Her Rumble Spheres  
And Nearly Was Undone  
She Urged Me To Spill Forth My Seed  
For Empire And For Queen  
I Told Her I Preferred My Friends  
A Little Less Obscene  
  
CHORUS  
  
Perhaps You Have A Matesprit  
To Pity And Console  
Perhaps A Proud Kismesis  
Who Burns As Black As Coal  
What Greater Romance Is There  
Than To Perish Clasping Hands  
Refusing Queen And Country  
With Chastely Untapped Glands  
  
CHORUS  
  
Let The Cullers Whet Their Blades  
And Let The Killdrones Come  
We Shall Not Loose Our Girdles  
And We Shall Not Succumb  
To Every Plucky Virgin  
We Shout A Proud ‘Huzzah’  
For Valiant Trolls Need Never Fear  
The Sickle And The Claw


End file.
